Big Love, Little people

June 30, 2009

askzachw Love 1 Comment

parachute

Q: I’m going to propose to my girlfriend in the next month and am looking for a cool way to do it. I feel like everything has already been done and I want something incredibly creative that will stand out for her and set us up for a great marriage . Any suggestions?

Matt- London

Zach’s Answer, Wisdom and amusement

Creative huh? Have you considered having her serenaded on a beach in Bali  by seven midgets and one transvestite Elvis impersonator,  while you parachute onto a Jet-ski  wearing absolutely nothing except for socks and suspenders?  

The truth of the matter is that whatever you do is going to be creative if you custom tailor it to something subjective about your soon to be fiancé. You don’t have to wow everybody, just make it personal to her. Whatever it is that you end up doing will be memorable and (damn I hate this word) “Special”. 

Here is the other thing to keep in mind, no matter how great the proposal is, no matter how great the wedding day is, it’s still all about you and her and your life together, not the day you get engaged or the day you get married. Don’t let the wedding planner tell you otherwise, it’s bullshit. Focus on the important things in the relationship and don’t worry so much about the wedding process.  It’s a minor thing when considering forever with somebody.  Also if you go the route with the midgets make sure to invite them to the big day as well, just don’t say the word “big” too much.

 

 

(Note: The author respects all people, however believes that being politically correct is actually quite rude in most instances and only serves to segregate us further. So…screw off)

Where’s the drive?

June 29, 2009

askzachw Sex Leave a comment

Guest Answer Provided by John Butler. Check out John’s vastly intriguing background in our expert Bio Section.

John

My husband over the past  few months hasn’t wanted to sleep with me and seems distant to me most days. Should I be worried that he’s having an affair?

John’s Sagely Wisdom (And in this man’s opinion awesome hair-style)

He’s a guy and we’re all dogs… So, yes, an affair is always a possibility. 

But, have you talked to him? Or, are you letting your imagination run wild and making accusations? Are you letting things bother you by wondering? Are you accusing him of things? Being a little passive-aggressive? Are you being a bitch? No? Cool. I had to ask.

In my experience, the only time I have not wanted to sleep with my woman was either due to being so damn hot that I couldn’t sleep, or when I’m in the middle of a project and can’t sleep. I’ve never had an affair, but I suspect that I’d be nervous about being caught – so not sleeping with you wouldn’t be a tactic I’d use to avoid being suspected. Not sleeping with you might be stress related – an unresolved fight perhaps? My advice; check yourself internally and make sure you are not the issue (because, in the end, we only have control over ourselves and a wavering influence – at best – over others). Once that has been taken care of, are you there for him? Have you asked him what’s wrong – straight up, no games, no innuendoes, no bullshit?

 Not sleeping with you isn’t a sign of an affair – not being able to perform (age and illness not being the issue), unusual marks (claw marks on his back, oval bruises on his neck…), after-sex-happy or after-sex-sleepiness when he gets home, knowing he’s gonna-get-some friskiness when he’s heading out the door… These are signs of a current affair. Not sleeping with you could be a sign that he had one, and is now having a breakout of herpes…

Talk it over. Or, like I told a female friend recently, take him to a strip club and make sure he gets several lap dances – then take him him and, well, remind him what he is missing in bed!

Stalking down love

June 25, 2009

askzachw Uncategorized , , , , , , , Leave a comment

bino

Q:My girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. I have called and called and sent her multiple texts everyday but she won’t return them. I have also sent her flowers, a bunch of pictures of us and a  tiffany’s bracelet, but she didn’t even reply when she got those!  How do I get her to love me again and get back together with her?

Waiting in Vain- Boston

Zach’s mild fear and Wisdom

A: No response to any of that? Have you tried sitting outside of her house with a pair of binoculars and a journal that details her every action? How about writing her a nice letter that ends with “I would kill ten kittens just to get back together with you?  You could also try beating your fist to your chest over and over again like Mark Wahlberg does in the movie “fear”. Yeah that could work.

Truth is stranger than fiction and while I doubt she will get back together with you, who knows maybe she will. If she doesn’t, just realize that it wasn’t meant to be and while it hurts now, it will go away.  What I would recommend is to move on with your life and leave her alone.  There are either two things that will happen once this occurs. A) You will get over her after a period of time and realize that it didn’t work out for a reason. During this process you may even find someone new or have some wacky adventures in the world of being single. 

B) There is also the (very slight) possibility that once you leave her alone she will realize that she misses you and what you provided to her, even if it to me it seems a bit intense.  In the meantime sometimes relationships don’t work and it sucks to be broken up with, but it’s not the end of the world and having a stalking charge added to your resume won’t help things out.  Put the unmarked car back in the garage, erase her number from the phone and go have some less obsessive fun!

One coffee, hold the excitement

June 23, 2009

askzachw Dating 2 Comments

coffee
 
I’ve been talking  back and forth to a guy a lot that I met on an online dating site. He wants to go out, but insists on going on a day date to grab a cup of coffee. Is this some sort of red flag? Why won’t he take me to dinner like a normal guy?
 
Mocha Frap in Jersey
 
 
Zach’s Enlightening Response 
I personally can’t stand day dates. On a day date the worst case scenario is that you can’t stand the person you meet and you can’t even start drinking to amuse yourself. Unless of course you are going out with a wino or are a wino yourself. In the best case scenario you have a great connection, but daytime isn’t really conducive to letting that chemistry lead elsewhere. This is my personal opinion and why I choose not to partake in this liquor-less experiment in frustration.
 
All of that said…I don’t think it is a worry and contrary to my own practices, for some people it’s a good thing. From your date’s perspective he is probably trying to check and see if you are interesting enough to warrant a “real date”. This sounds cold and harsh, but if you have ever been stuck at dinner with a date who smells horrible, or who is less exciting then watching laundry dry, it makes sense. Consider it a meet and greet and if it goes well, he will of course want to take you out on something a bit more conducive to ”wooing you” and more exciting then a trip to starbucks  (Unless he’s 80 or a mormon) If I were you, I’d grab a coffee and meet the dude and screen him too see if he’s worth your time to let him take you on a night date.   
 
  

Know-elle’s Advice: Screw and Tell?

June 22, 2009

knowelle Love, Misc- Romance/nomance, Sex Leave a comment

GUEST ANSWER:  Provided by Know-elle, get to Know-her by checking out her Bio on our experts page.

Photo 164

Q:My girlfriend is sexually inexperienced- I’m her second man.  I’m twenty eight and used to be incredibly promisicious. I’m worried that telling her about my past will scare her off, but if I don’t it’s being dishonest and it may come up from someone else. Tell her or not and how?

Screw and Tell?- Seattle

 The Wisdom and Advice of Guest Expert…Know-elle

Dear Screw and Tell?,

While I appreciate your instinct to be honest with your girlfriend – (it indicates a certain level of character, bravo!) – I must wholeheartedly shout “NO! Are you fucking crazy?! Do not tell her!” …unless she asks because if she wanted to know, she would. All it will do is satisfy your own selfish, guilty conscious which you need not have, my friend. As long as you’re sprinkling her with VD fairy dust, I think you should actually be quietly proud of your conquests and the plethora of techniques you’ve gained that you can use on her.

You’re right in thinking it could scare her off. She clearly doesn’t view sex in the same casual manner you do, and may have a hard time wrapping her head around the fact her boyfriend is a recovering manwhore. This could plant a seed of doubt in her head, and I’m assuming you’re not looking to plant any kind of seed in her, am I right? (To that end, I find it unlikely the “plethora of techniques I use to get you off” defense will go over well either.) I’ve been in this situation before and here’s how it went down:

 

Former Boyfriend: So have you slept with a lot of guys?

Me: I guess it depends on your definition of a lot. Have you?

FBF: Yea… 10.

Me: That’s not that many. I’ve slept with more than that… (A number well into the double digits that I chose not to share. Hey! You didn’t ask.)

FBF: What?! I can’t believe you’d do that! OMG. (blah, blah, blah, etc., etc.)

 He went on to have the audacity to get mad at me AND admit that he’d actually only slept with 8 people, which if I’m not mistaken means he lied. So I went on to tell him to fuck off; for being unfair, irrational and a liar.

 My point is this. While honesty is usually the best policy, sometimes offering up the truth unsolicited does more harm than good. It’s not her business unless she chooses to make it so. Keep your mouth shut.

A Well Lived Past

June 19, 2009

askzachw Dating, Sex , , , Leave a comment

promiscious

Q:I’m a bit self conscious about  my promiscuous past and am not sure if I should tell my boyfriend about it- if so do I go into details or just put it out there as general statement?

Too Many Guys- Wisconsin

Zach’s Wisdom and Answer:

Don’t be self-conscious about it, but also don’t give him details. BAD IDEA.  I think it’s good to have a bit of promiscuity in your past, it means that when you do find the right guy, it wasn’t for lack of experience. You will always know that you are together with your boyfriend for the right reasons and not a false sense of love because you don’t know any better.  I love a girl with a bit of experience, I sure as hell wouldn’t go to a Dr. who had only seen three patients….

For him, letting you know you have a past is honest which is good, but…more than likely he is going to feel ashamed  if he wasn’t equally promiscuous and probably intimidated either way.  It’s another weird Male ego thing that dates back to 1950’s, it’s better to just leave it be.  Also the last thing you want to do is have him constantly thinking of you with the high school football team. If it comes up, just tell him that you have had other boyfriends, but you’re with him because he is the best of  them all.  And if you have a large “other guy” t-shirt or boxer collection…it’s probably time to get rid of them.

A Potential Hat trick?

June 17, 2009

askzachw Breakups/Divorce, Risque sex , , , , , , Leave a comment

3some

Q:I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is sleeping around. The thing of it is, I think it is with another girl. I checked her cell phone the other night and she had some really racy and sexual  texts between her and a girl named Stacey. I don’t know whether to feel turned on, or cheated on? Any thoughts on how to approach the subject with her and if I find out she did what to do next?

Triangle Man- Miami

Zach’s Wisdom, Response and Jealousy

 Sir- You just potentially made every male reader of this column jealous.  I salute you, I salute your girlfriend and if you break up with her please feel free to let her know my email address.

I’m pretty liberal in regards to bisexuality in women. My mindset would be if a girl in my life needs to spice things up (which is doubtful)  I can deal with that far better than if she was with another guy. I understand this is not the case with everybody and it’s a topic that is very subjective.  

First things first, no matter what you suspect it’s not cool to look through someone’s phone so don’t do it again. Suspicions or not, it’s an invasion of privacy . 2) Before you go assuming anything give her the benefit of the doubt, they were just texts and  she could just be expressing herself and her sexuality in a  harmless way. 3)  You already committed the crime, fess up to looking at her phone and apologize, but also bring up what you saw. Don’t be mean or aggressive about it just ask her what she was up to in a non-threatening way.  4) Depending on her answer find out if it’s something that turns you on or not. Maybe it is and maybe it’s something you guys could look into as a way to spice up your sex life. Who knows, but it’s worth a shot.  5) If it is something you feel betrayed by- Well once trust is gone it’s hard to get it back in a relationship, so maybe it’s time to move on.  Typically in instances of betrayal I’d say to move on first thing, but it sounds like you might be confused and I don’t have enough information to make that call for you.

 If you do decide to move on and break it off with her,  shoot for that threesome first- Who knows when that opportunity will come around again.

So…Do you like rich guys?

June 16, 2009

askzachw Misc- Romance/nomance Leave a comment

golden

Q:I’m forty four years old and recently got married to a twenty five year old after we dated for a few months. She is drop-dead gorgeous and treats me well,  but I’m starting to feel like she is in it for the money and doesn’t really love me for me. Before we got married she got upset if I even mentioned the word prenup.  Is there a way to find out what her real intentions are?

 Zach’s Wisdom, Response and verbal lashing- It has to be done.

 C’mon Really?  Listen- I’m more then ok with older guys having trophies. They’re shiny, they’re pretty, they’re fun to play with and who doesn’t like showing them off to their friends…That said, most trophy owners I know don’t really care why they have the trophy, just that they do. It’s usually a mutually symbiotic ”Beauty for money” scenario. I don’t endorse this philosophy, but it is what it is.

Do you really need to ask this question, do you really want an honest answer? This is strictly based on opinion and  given the information ( I could be wrong, but I doubt it) my thought would be HIDE THE GOLD SIR and maybe re-think out that life insurance policy.  You dated her for only a few months and obviously don’t even know her well enough to  tell if she loves you and now you’re questioning it….Please stop wasting my time. You want a plan of action? Ask her to sign a post-nuptial agreement and if she agrees to do it maybe I’m mistaken and for you I honestly hope she does. If not, I think you have your answer. Next time around, try and get to the know the girl before you run off signing a legal document that financially binds you to a person you barely know. Next!

No Green Tights Required

June 15, 2009

askzachw Dating , , , , , 1 Comment

peterpan

Q: My boyfriend is thirty two and refuses to grow up. He still goes out and parties with his friends , he acts immature in public  and is constantly pulling off some embarrassing antic. (Ok, sometimes it does make me laugh) He just tends to be childlike in general. Is there a way to get him to act his age and be an adult?

Need a man, not a boy. New York, NY

 

Zach’s Wisdom and Response:

Yes there is. Tell him to buy a cane, go to Tijuana for some cheap Viagra and develop a hip problem. After all that is said and done,  make sure to let him know that life is not supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be monotonous and boring dammit. I can’t provide you an answer to this question without first stating my views on the subject.

 As a culture we are focused on acting “Maturely” and being a responsible adult, but I can’t quite come to grips with why someone can’t be both responsible and a bit immature? Is there any fun to be had in tiptoeing your way to your grave? Life is short, it’s meant to be lived and sometimes acting immature is just a fun-filled rebellion against old-age. (I.E. Health problems, being cranky, bad driving, and death) Maybe you should first try and act less mature and go have a great time with him now and then. If he still wants to go out with his friends, ask to be included sometimes and unleash your own young and fun side on the town.

In this situation a compromise is what is needed. If he hasn’t matured yet, he probably won’t anytime soon, so come to a working arrangement.  Let him know that you are willing to let him have a great time in life and that you want to share in the fun too, but that he has to do it in ways that you both can agree to and only IF he can act responsibly in his antics.  If he is currently going out two times per week, maybe ask if you can join for one of them. When he acts like an ass in public let him know specifically what he did that made you feel uncomfortable.  This IS a situation where open communication is needed and a bit of honesty with him will go a long way.

In the meantime, we only get one go-around in this crazy little world of ours, so have fun with it, and don’t worry so much about his Peter Pan syndrome unless he starts wearing green tights.

Her Family Is Just The Crust

June 13, 2009

askzachw Dating, Love, Misc- Romance/nomance , , , , 1 Comment

pizza

Q: My girlfriend is the coolest. I love the hell out of her. Her family however, I believe may be trying to revive the third Reich. Her Mom is mean, rude and crude. Her sister is an obnoxious and petty girl that is constantly interfering with our lives. We have to go to her house every Sunday for dinner and I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth it to think about a long term relationship if this is what she comes along with. What should I do?

 Annoying Baggage- Cleveland

Zach’s Wisdom and Advice: 

Stop whining. I love pizza, but I can’t stand the crust so I usually will just eat around it and then throw it in the trash without remorse. When people who have the pleasure of dining with me ask why, I tend to give them a diatribe about how I personally find that one segment to be bland, boring, and distasteful.

 A lot of people’s families maintain the exact same characteristics only you can’t just take them to the nearest dumpster (I’ve tried, but they wouldn’t leave the car). The fact of the matter is that the girl you love has a family you dislike. Well, that’s why you are not dating her mom and that is why you are not sleeping with her sister. It’s great when your significant other’s family is comprised of wonderful souls that you get along with perfectly, but not always realistic and by no means anything that needs to be present to carry on a great relationship. At day’s end even if you dislike her family you still love her and she is the one you chose to be with so you have to grin, bear it and put on a smile anytime they are around. A bit of crust just has to be dealt with to enjoy the rest of the pizza and once you leave the crust behind you don’t have to see it again until the next time.  

  A love “guru” would tell you to speak openly about it with your GF, DONT! It’s her family, she loves them and WILL feel insulted. Instead maybe have a glass of wine before you go to their house on Sundays and… its ok to internally make fun of them; however I would not advise on trying to drown them in ranch dressing, pepper flakes or parmesan cheese, it never ends well.

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