Three Elements
Zach’s wisdom and Bad News:
If I weren’t here to help I would tell you that maybe if you just imagine she is someone else and she does the same thing it could work? Or maybe you both just sleep with other people on the side?
Being the incredibly helpful and kind sould that I am, I’ll tell ya the truth. If you don’t have a physical connection right off the bat you are never going to. I know plenty of people who will disagree (Mainly those in the same situation, trying to convince themselves otherwise) and they will say that if you develop a great emotional bond the physical will follow. Nope. It never will even if you both pull each other from the brinks of death and hug for sixteen hours a day.
If you had been dating for a few years and the physical side slowly went down the tubes I would tell you to go see someone or to go to one of those creepy classes where they light candles and have you Chant “I am sexy” over and over again. This isn’t the case. The real situation is that every relationship needs three things very early on. A physical connection, an intellectual connection and an emotional one. If you don’t have the physical side it’s a great friendship and nothing more.
Keep in mind the biological reason we’re in relationships in the first place is genetic survival. Your programmed to love, but you’re also programmed to love those you find attractive and have physical chemistry with (romantically at least). It just won’t work otherwise and if you don’t have the three elements it will end in tears. So go do what you need to do and in the meantime I will fend off nasty letters from the online porn industry upset that I’m getting rid of a potential lifelong customer.
Friends till the end?….
One of my closest friends is a girl. We’ve known each other for sixteen years and she is a great friend. I also find her incredibly attractive and never made a real move but made some mild statements about how I would love to date her. Any way you would suggest to get her feeling more amorous about me?
Friends with benefits? Oakland
Zach’s Advice, wisdom and tough love.
You are always going to be her friend and nothing else. Ok now repeat after me “I am always going to be her friend and nothing else.” Now repeat it again. And Again.
If you guys have known each other for that long and there has never been a spark there is never going to be. Sorry buddy, it’s true. Women are not men, we could have an incredibly deep relationship with a girl for sixteen years and if we find her hot enough, we would still screw up that friendship in order to screw her.
Women are different. Yes, yes there can be exceptions but it’s incredibly rare. Most women will categorize you as a friend and there is not much you can ever do about it. I’m sure the guys who follow all those “pickup gurus” will tell you otherwise and tell you to start getting her to think of you sexually, but DON”T. It’s just going to ruin a good friendship. Would you try and get one of your dude friends drunk and make out with him? Think of her the same way. Instead if she’s attractive be her friend and every now and then it’s ok to ask her to be your wing-woman to help you pick up other girls. THAT AREN”T HER.
Big Love, Little people
Q: I’m going to propose to my girlfriend in the next month and am looking for a cool way to do it. I feel like everything has already been done and I want something incredibly creative that will stand out for her and set us up for a great marriage . Any suggestions?
Matt- London
Zach’s Answer, Wisdom and amusement
Creative huh? Have you considered having her serenaded on a beach in Bali by seven midgets and one transvestite Elvis impersonator, while you parachute onto a Jet-ski wearing absolutely nothing except for socks and suspenders?
The truth of the matter is that whatever you do is going to be creative if you custom tailor it to something subjective about your soon to be fiancé. You don’t have to wow everybody, just make it personal to her. Whatever it is that you end up doing will be memorable and (damn I hate this word) “Special”.
Here is the other thing to keep in mind, no matter how great the proposal is, no matter how great the wedding day is, it’s still all about you and her and your life together, not the day you get engaged or the day you get married. Don’t let the wedding planner tell you otherwise, it’s bullshit. Focus on the important things in the relationship and don’t worry so much about the wedding process. It’s a minor thing when considering forever with somebody. Also if you go the route with the midgets make sure to invite them to the big day as well, just don’t say the word “big” too much.
(Note: The author respects all people, however believes that being politically correct is actually quite rude in most instances and only serves to segregate us further. So…screw off)
Where’s the drive?
Guest Answer Provided by John Butler. Check out John’s vastly intriguing background in our expert Bio Section.
My husband over the past few months hasn’t wanted to sleep with me and seems distant to me most days. Should I be worried that he’s having an affair?
John’s Sagely Wisdom (And in this man’s opinion awesome hair-style)
He’s a guy and we’re all dogs… So, yes, an affair is always a possibility.
But, have you talked to him? Or, are you letting your imagination run wild and making accusations? Are you letting things bother you by wondering? Are you accusing him of things? Being a little passive-aggressive? Are you being a bitch? No? Cool. I had to ask.
In my experience, the only time I have not wanted to sleep with my woman was either due to being so damn hot that I couldn’t sleep, or when I’m in the middle of a project and can’t sleep. I’ve never had an affair, but I suspect that I’d be nervous about being caught – so not sleeping with you wouldn’t be a tactic I’d use to avoid being suspected. Not sleeping with you might be stress related – an unresolved fight perhaps? My advice; check yourself internally and make sure you are not the issue (because, in the end, we only have control over ourselves and a wavering influence – at best – over others). Once that has been taken care of, are you there for him? Have you asked him what’s wrong – straight up, no games, no innuendoes, no bullshit?
Not sleeping with you isn’t a sign of an affair – not being able to perform (age and illness not being the issue), unusual marks (claw marks on his back, oval bruises on his neck…), after-sex-happy or after-sex-sleepiness when he gets home, knowing he’s gonna-get-some friskiness when he’s heading out the door… These are signs of a current affair. Not sleeping with you could be a sign that he had one, and is now having a breakout of herpes…
Talk it over. Or, like I told a female friend recently, take him to a strip club and make sure he gets several lap dances – then take him him and, well, remind him what he is missing in bed!
Stalking down love
Q:My girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. I have called and called and sent her multiple texts everyday but she won’t return them. I have also sent her flowers, a bunch of pictures of us and a tiffany’s bracelet, but she didn’t even reply when she got those! How do I get her to love me again and get back together with her?
Waiting in Vain- Boston
Zach’s mild fear and Wisdom
A: No response to any of that? Have you tried sitting outside of her house with a pair of binoculars and a journal that details her every action? How about writing her a nice letter that ends with “I would kill ten kittens just to get back together with you? You could also try beating your fist to your chest over and over again like Mark Wahlberg does in the movie “fear”. Yeah that could work.
Truth is stranger than fiction and while I doubt she will get back together with you, who knows maybe she will. If she doesn’t, just realize that it wasn’t meant to be and while it hurts now, it will go away. What I would recommend is to move on with your life and leave her alone. There are either two things that will happen once this occurs. A) You will get over her after a period of time and realize that it didn’t work out for a reason. During this process you may even find someone new or have some wacky adventures in the world of being single.
B) There is also the (very slight) possibility that once you leave her alone she will realize that she misses you and what you provided to her, even if it to me it seems a bit intense. In the meantime sometimes relationships don’t work and it sucks to be broken up with, but it’s not the end of the world and having a stalking charge added to your resume won’t help things out. Put the unmarked car back in the garage, erase her number from the phone and go have some less obsessive fun!
One coffee, hold the excitement
Know-elle’s Advice: Screw and Tell?
GUEST ANSWER: Provided by Know-elle, get to Know-her by checking out her Bio on our experts page.
Q:My girlfriend is sexually inexperienced- I’m her second man. I’m twenty eight and used to be incredibly promisicious. I’m worried that telling her about my past will scare her off, but if I don’t it’s being dishonest and it may come up from someone else. Tell her or not and how?
Screw and Tell?- Seattle
The Wisdom and Advice of Guest Expert…Know-elle
Dear Screw and Tell?,
While I appreciate your instinct to be honest with your girlfriend – (it indicates a certain level of character, bravo!) – I must wholeheartedly shout “NO! Are you fucking crazy?! Do not tell her!” …unless she asks because if she wanted to know, she would. All it will do is satisfy your own selfish, guilty conscious which you need not have, my friend. As long as you’re sprinkling her with VD fairy dust, I think you should actually be quietly proud of your conquests and the plethora of techniques you’ve gained that you can use on her.
You’re right in thinking it could scare her off. She clearly doesn’t view sex in the same casual manner you do, and may have a hard time wrapping her head around the fact her boyfriend is a recovering manwhore. This could plant a seed of doubt in her head, and I’m assuming you’re not looking to plant any kind of seed in her, am I right? (To that end, I find it unlikely the “plethora of techniques I use to get you off” defense will go over well either.) I’ve been in this situation before and here’s how it went down:
Former Boyfriend: So have you slept with a lot of guys?
Me: I guess it depends on your definition of a lot. Have you?
FBF: Yea… 10.
Me: That’s not that many. I’ve slept with more than that… (A number well into the double digits that I chose not to share. Hey! You didn’t ask.)
FBF: What?! I can’t believe you’d do that! OMG. (blah, blah, blah, etc., etc.)
He went on to have the audacity to get mad at me AND admit that he’d actually only slept with 8 people, which if I’m not mistaken means he lied. So I went on to tell him to fuck off; for being unfair, irrational and a liar.
My point is this. While honesty is usually the best policy, sometimes offering up the truth unsolicited does more harm than good. It’s not her business unless she chooses to make it so. Keep your mouth shut.
A Well Lived Past
Q:I’m a bit self conscious about my promiscuous past and am not sure if I should tell my boyfriend about it- if so do I go into details or just put it out there as general statement?
Too Many Guys- Wisconsin
Zach’s Wisdom and Answer:
Don’t be self-conscious about it, but also don’t give him details. BAD IDEA. I think it’s good to have a bit of promiscuity in your past, it means that when you do find the right guy, it wasn’t for lack of experience. You will always know that you are together with your boyfriend for the right reasons and not a false sense of love because you don’t know any better. I love a girl with a bit of experience, I sure as hell wouldn’t go to a Dr. who had only seen three patients….
For him, letting you know you have a past is honest which is good, but…more than likely he is going to feel ashamed if he wasn’t equally promiscuous and probably intimidated either way. It’s another weird Male ego thing that dates back to 1950’s, it’s better to just leave it be. Also the last thing you want to do is have him constantly thinking of you with the high school football team. If it comes up, just tell him that you have had other boyfriends, but you’re with him because he is the best of them all. And if you have a large “other guy” t-shirt or boxer collection…it’s probably time to get rid of them.
A Potential Hat trick?
Q:I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is sleeping around. The thing of it is, I think it is with another girl. I checked her cell phone the other night and she had some really racy and sexual texts between her and a girl named Stacey. I don’t know whether to feel turned on, or cheated on? Any thoughts on how to approach the subject with her and if I find out she did what to do next?
Triangle Man- Miami
Zach’s Wisdom, Response and Jealousy
Sir- You just potentially made every male reader of this column jealous. I salute you, I salute your girlfriend and if you break up with her please feel free to let her know my email address.
I’m pretty liberal in regards to bisexuality in women. My mindset would be if a girl in my life needs to spice things up (which is doubtful) I can deal with that far better than if she was with another guy. I understand this is not the case with everybody and it’s a topic that is very subjective.
First things first, no matter what you suspect it’s not cool to look through someone’s phone so don’t do it again. Suspicions or not, it’s an invasion of privacy . 2) Before you go assuming anything give her the benefit of the doubt, they were just texts and she could just be expressing herself and her sexuality in a harmless way. 3) You already committed the crime, fess up to looking at her phone and apologize, but also bring up what you saw. Don’t be mean or aggressive about it just ask her what she was up to in a non-threatening way. 4) Depending on her answer find out if it’s something that turns you on or not. Maybe it is and maybe it’s something you guys could look into as a way to spice up your sex life. Who knows, but it’s worth a shot. 5) If it is something you feel betrayed by- Well once trust is gone it’s hard to get it back in a relationship, so maybe it’s time to move on. Typically in instances of betrayal I’d say to move on first thing, but it sounds like you might be confused and I don’t have enough information to make that call for you.
If you do decide to move on and break it off with her, shoot for that threesome first- Who knows when that opportunity will come around again.
So…Do you like rich guys?
Q:I’m forty four years old and recently got married to a twenty five year old after we dated for a few months. She is drop-dead gorgeous and treats me well, but I’m starting to feel like she is in it for the money and doesn’t really love me for me. Before we got married she got upset if I even mentioned the word prenup. Is there a way to find out what her real intentions are?
Zach’s Wisdom, Response and verbal lashing- It has to be done.
C’mon Really? Listen- I’m more then ok with older guys having trophies. They’re shiny, they’re pretty, they’re fun to play with and who doesn’t like showing them off to their friends…That said, most trophy owners I know don’t really care why they have the trophy, just that they do. It’s usually a mutually symbiotic ”Beauty for money” scenario. I don’t endorse this philosophy, but it is what it is.
Do you really need to ask this question, do you really want an honest answer? This is strictly based on opinion and given the information ( I could be wrong, but I doubt it) my thought would be HIDE THE GOLD SIR and maybe re-think out that life insurance policy. You dated her for only a few months and obviously don’t even know her well enough to tell if she loves you and now you’re questioning it….Please stop wasting my time. You want a plan of action? Ask her to sign a post-nuptial agreement and if she agrees to do it maybe I’m mistaken and for you I honestly hope she does. If not, I think you have your answer. Next time around, try and get to the know the girl before you run off signing a legal document that financially binds you to a person you barely know. Next!
About
I’ve been in just about every relationship one can imagine with a lot of differing people and lot of differing scenarios. Because of this, I can provide some great (albeit brutally honest) advice, that is a lot different then so called “Love gurus” who give advice based on studies rather doing their own field work like I have. My history includes relationshps that lasted a night to those that lasted years, engagments, love and romance, to breakups, heartbreak and tears. Sex that was vanilla, to some kinky things that shouldn’t be discussed. In the process I’ve picked up expertise that can help see you through any question. I won’t sugar-coat, I won’t base it off what the so called experts will…I’ll give you the truth, whether it’s hard to hear, taboo, or scandalous, my goal is to actually help you and not just supplicate or validate you. I’ll tell how it is.
We will also have some guest experts from differing walks of life answer or comment on some questions. Individuals from such industries as the adult industry, entertainers maybe a few psychoanalysts and even a psychic, criminologist, or sociologist or two.
