Leaving the 50′s and learning to disco.

August 30, 2010

askzachw Sex , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Hi Zach,

Thank you for taking my question. I have semi-limited sexual experience but, have been sexually active with a woman for the past month. I can tell she is already bored, she yawned several times the last time we did it. I need some help.  My only strategy has been to pick up some adult-oriented videos. Any suggestions on how to make myself more interesting?

Mitch 33, Des Moines

Whoa there sport.  First an announcement- My last post had over 6200 readers, I should feel honored, but rather I slightly wonder what is wrong with you folks? I wanted to take a moment to say thanks for reading and provide my deepest condolences to your psychologists.

Now I typically try to shy away from answering any of your questions about sex, because it tends to get me in trouble with people. The ridiculous part of this statement is that the average 18-29 yr old American has sex 112 times per year. The same average American reads 12 books per year, so as a society we have sex 9 xs more than we read, yet nobody gives me shit about discussing Brett Easton Ellis’s latest novel. Hypocrites. (and Philistines)   Moral being that if I am offending your better sensitivities please leave this page and head back to the nunnery.

Without further adieu….Just like the clap, the best solution is usually prevention. My philosophy is that you should never bring out all your “moves” right away. If anything I have always thought it best to keep things plain and vanilla for awhile at first. Then later on start  incorporating more and more into the repertoire as it keeps things fresh and it keeps her intrigued and wondering “Where did that suddenly come from?” and  “I wonder what else he might have up his sleeve.” Be an item of intrigue!!!   So before you start contemplating the reverse Korean jumping helicopter  or dressing up like a Guatemalan pool boy,  ask yourself, can I postpone this for a few more times?

Second- (Again stop reading if you are offended) I don’t think I would recommend porn as a study aid for you or others in the situation.  In my experience most porn is typically oriented towards men so unless you think she’s only into hours of fellatio and doggy-style; it might not go over well. Instead, pick up some books and try to brush up on some technique. Maybe surprise her with one of them next time. Always keep in mind that sex is mental as much it is physical and keeping some intrigue and something saved for a rainy day, is not a bad thing.

Third- I can tell sexuality embarrasses you a bit- This might be a problem in and of itself. I mean you referred to porn as “Adult oriented Movies”.  Keep something in mind, sex is sex, it’s normal, healthy and fun.  Having an attitude that it’s some sort of taboo topic probably will keep you boring. Go explore it man.

S is for short skirts-

August 16, 2010

askzachw Misc- Romance/nomance , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Dear Zach,

My ex-boyfriend always loved when I would wear skirts and a tube top. I’m dating a new guy and need something he’ll find sexy- What’s the best look currently that most men find attractive? Any specific outfits that you would recommend for a sexy look right now?

Diana.  24yrs.  Augusta, Ga

Zach’s complete lack of knowledge yet snarky answer.

A sexy look right now? Well, I know that I personally tried to dress so that I didn’t look like a Cosmo mag today.  Apparently I failed.

Why would I know this? Women’s fashion is something I know nothing about. I barely understand Men’s fashion.  My wardrobe is expertly organized based on which girl I had take me shopping as going on my own would mean a disaster of epic sartorial proportions. It’s thanks to these kind (and patient) souls that I don’t go to fine restaurants in nothing but zebra striped shoes and rain hats.

I can still help with your question however.  You want to know what the sexiest thing you can wear is…? It’s self confidence. Yup- this sounds like something Sesame street might teach you, but I’m feeling chipper today and in a uplifting “sesame street” sort of mood; that is if Elmo loved leopard prints and Spanx.   Today’s letter is H and H is for sexy hemlines.

The tacky aspect of the above thought doesn’t negate it as the truth- If you look at what men find sexy you have to realize that there is no style to it- it’s always about the girl who wears it and personal subjectivity. This is why there is so much diversity in porn. Do you think there is any difference between:  “The Sexy Librarian”  “The Sexy Nurse” the “Sexy Businesswomen” the “Sexy Rocker”  “the Sexy Teacher” the “Sexy police-woman” etc…Etc…Etc…    None of these ideals have any similarity in dress or style – You find a confident girl and dress her in anything and we will find some way to into sexualize it, I don’t care if she works as the plumber at a burrito shop in Tijuana.

Find what works for you and you’ll probably find what works for him too- There is nothing sexier than a women who seems like she knows what she’s doing- even if she doesn’t.   Worse case scenario I have yet to meet a dude that wouldn’t exchange most clothing options for nudity.   In the meantime here are some personal dislikes.  Those of you who know me have heard these before.

Zach’s fashion dont’s:

1)      Gladiator shoes- These are only acceptable if you plan on doing battle. Intense battle with tigers and shit.  Leave em in the closet Spartacus.

2)      UGS- I shouldn’t have to list this- the trend should have died a bloody and painful death. It didn’t. It’s still being propagated by some false myth that it looks good. It does- On Eskimos.

3)      Rompers- Are best reserved for early 90’s TV stars like Stephanie on full house and Clarissa from Clarissa explains it all. Even the name makes them sound like they were intended for an 8 yr old boy or 40 year old truck driver.

4)       Front clasping Bras. I don’t know- they just take the fun out of things. (Yeah this one is prob subjective but,  I’m not being Misogynistic, just honest)

Offline Dating, Online BS

July 8, 2010

askzachw Dating, Misc- Romance/nomance , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

 

Hey Zach,

My girlfriend and I have a lot of fun and have been dating for a couple of months now. I changed my status of Facebook to say “In a relationship” but she hasn’t. WTF? Does it mean she isn’t that in to me? Should I change my status back? What now?

Dave- 32 Minneapolis

 

Zach’s wisdom, knowledge and advice to someone who is 32 going on 14.

Let me make one thing clear before we begin. I LOVE social media and that is because I own an advertising agency.  The marketing capabilities are immense and effective. So that preface out of the way- Stop being such a little sally.   I have a theory that if you are in an offline relationship it should stay offline without any worry or care over social networking shenanigans.  (Public Relations Pros might scorn me for saying that given our “Social media policy” filled world, but I believe life substance and character is more important than image- Call me crazy)

Let’s put aside the fact that twitter will be responsible for the next generation of illiterate youth who can’t  write more than 160 characters and whose attention span doesn’t last longer than a youtube video of a Panda sneezing- You know what the real truth behind the  social networking veil is? It’s that most of it is based on people with very low self esteem looking for external validation. Check out my new “Favorite link”  “Like My fanpage”  “Follow where I am going tonight” “Help me milk an anorexic cow on my FB farm” You know what all of these people are saying if you read in between the lines?

“Please pay attention to me, I am not sure if I am good/cool/popular/attractive/nice/interesting/smart enough unless I have X amount of friends who comment on my latest tweet/status/digg/article/link/location.  Validate me, validate me, validate me, accept me, accept me, accept me.”

  Don’t be one of these people.  Validate yourself with real life human to human interaction.  Stop looking for others to boost you up.

Worry about how she treats you in the real world and leave the online space to things you should pay attention to Like; Porn.  Insurance quotes. Porn.  Bejeweled,  videos of silly dogs. Stock quotes. That “chocolate rain” singer and his smooth buttery voice… etc.

If you still can’t grow a pair and really have an issue with it and it can’t be expressed in a   tweet, I would let her know that it is a concern and that it bothers you,  even if this does make it sound like you were breastfed until you were nine.

 P.S. – For those of you saying “But Zach, I found your site on facebook/twitter/digg/linkedin..does  that mean I’m looking for validation?”   The answer is no. Totally not.  

P.S.S Also to all of you asking that, I totally loved your status today and just haven’t had the time to comment on it.

 

When PB&J Goes bad….

June 18, 2010

askzachw Uncategorized , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

My new boyfriend loves to cook but is just awful at it. I love that he goes through the work, but the food is inedible.  He is really proud of  it too, what do I do?

Li  in Miami

Zach’s lack of an appetite and Steps for Success

It’s amazing to me just how many people are completely clueless when it comes to their self-perception about looks and skills.  The short list begins with Fat men in Speedos, bypasses every failed American Idol contestant, moves to all attorneys and ends with Dane Cook. (My opinions, my blog, deal with it.)

This question hits an issue that I have commented on several times before; the fragile little egos of men and how quickly they can be destroyed.  Here is a five step plan of attack for dealing with this issue without stomping on his ego….for now-

Step one- Learn that salt is your best friend and apply it liberally.

Step two- Before he starts cooking ask him to make something that YOU LOVE, which also involves very little actual cooking -I.E “Honey, you make the best Mac N’ Cheese” why don’t you whip that up instead of the Osso Bucco you were planning? Feel Free to request PB&J, or scrambled eggs, but if he screws that up- start hoarding granola bars or  those dried “space meals” in a hidden location. (I think Old Navy is now selling these BTW- I should be asking for marketing $$)

Step 3- Infiltration: Start leaving little hints that his cooking could use a brush-up. Buy him a new cookbook or three that are heavy on technique and light on recipes OR sign up for some cooking classes you can do “together”, because “YOU” need a brush-up.

Step 4- Take charge. Get home early and order pizza, plan more meals out, or start cooking things for him. If you don’t give him the opportunity to fuck up that truffle risotto he can’t.  Start beating him to the punch with food.

Step 5- The final phase. There is a time to crush egos and start looking out for number 1. If nothing has worked thus far it’s time for constructive criticism. By constructive I mean it solves your problem and your problem only. Tell him the cooking is not good, and it makes you dry heave just thinking about it. Now compliment him on something else he does well.  For example “Hey baby, you were amazing last night, but the pancakes this morning weren’t fit for a starved shipwreck victim whose last meal was over a week ago.  See how nicely you balanced things? Best of luck to you and your stomach!

P.S -When I say that lawyers don’t have an accurate sense of Self perception it’s only because it’s hard to perceive one’s self when one has no image in a mirror.

P.S.S.- If you are at attorney reading this- let me state that my opinion that you may be a soulless vampire who by the year loses more and more of your own pallid humanity is strictly an opinion and not a statement of fact.

Pee-ceful new roomate

June 8, 2010

askzachw Dating, Uncategorized , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

 

Dear Zach,

My GF and I just moved in together a few weeks ago. She has sleeping problems and so on occasion takes ambien.  I’ve noticed on three separate occasions when she takes the pill that she wakes up in the middle of the night to pee in the kitchen garbage can. How would you bring this up and further-more, fix it?

 Zach’s hysterical laughter, wisdom, and marketing ideas.

A: C’mon, is this real???   I can tell you that while she may pee in the garbage can, I am quite positive I just did in my pants.  I do believe you though, I actually had a friend who had similar Ambien issues, but instead of late night urination he would order strange and obscure things online and have no recollection he ordered them.  I remember he once came home to a bunch of incredibly large packages at his door and  found; Two Frisbees with imprinted pictures of his face, 24 cans of sauerkraut, and a bear-skin rug.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve wanted an Ambien script ever since.

Back to you though- Ummm.  Wow. That is a tough and I imagine smelly predicament. At least it’s in the Garbage can??   I think my first move would be to probably buy her a litter box.  Or a pair of depends.  My second recommendation is the next time she does it roll up a newspaper while sternly yelling   “No! Bad!” and then maybe wipe her nose in it.

I think approaching the subject very openly and with a bit of NON-judgmental humor is best.  Bring it up gently, whether it’s the ambien or not, she is going to be embarrassed.  I mean seriously-  Let her know that “It’s” happening, and that it doesn’t bother you in the slightest as you “know it’s just the ambien”. Maybe make one or two jokes about it and see how she takes it, again, gentle playful jokes at first.  As far as fixing it, I think that might be something for her to discuss with her Dr. – I think we can all tell, I am certainly not qualified to give medical advice.  If all else fails, maybe it’s just a subtle hint that it’s time to add more toilets to the house and buy some rubber sheets. 

(P.S. if there is a Rubber Sheet company out there that wants to use this post as part of an amazing youtube viral video marketing campaign,  I will totally release all copyrights)

The world is full of Settlers…

June 3, 2010

askzachw Dating, Love , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Dear Zach,

I have had a slew of bad relationships with some bad guys in the past. I finally met a guy that is just down to earth and kind. The problem is I don’t find him exciting. He’s just a typical guy and growing up I always imagined myself with someone  interesting and dynamic.   I’m looking for my prince at the end of the fairytale. But the BF proposed to me and I feel like it would be dumb to say no. Is it worth it to give up my potential prince?

33, Philadelphia

Zach’s soft side , quasi-advice and hatred of Spencer Pratt

I think that I am going to petition the Disney Corporation to get rid of all current movie princes and refashion them with the likeness of  either: A) Spencer Pratt   B)Rush Limbaugh  C) R. Kelly  or  D) Hitler    That way women  will be super excited to marry that plumber of their dreams because one thing would be crystal clear: Princes SUCK.  We could finally just get rid of that comparison moving forward…

Truth: I feel for you. I feel for all women who have to deal with loser/jerk boyfriends over and over again.  Yes the psycho-babbling relationship Drs. will push the blame on you, stating that your pattern is to go after this type of guy for x, x and x reason , but that doesn’t make it any easier for you does it? They should just be analyzing those asshole guys whose “mommy” didn’t hold them enough.

At any rate, Nice can be good and safe. If you choose that route I can’t agree with you, but I also can’t blame you or even counsel on what you should do.   The world is full of jerks, finding a  decent guy who treats you well is not a bad thing. But, it’s also not the best.

Most advice columnists tend to tell people to “Get their head out of the clouds and do what is smart in reality”.  I hate most advice columnists and think that is a sure-fire path to a mediocre life.  Cynical Guy that I am, I still believe in love, and that for me the right person is not only a “good person”, but also interests the hell out of me.   (Side Note: Hopefully she is also a skilled masseuse, yogi, amateur chef and lover of peanut butter)  Even if I never find her and end up alone, I am willing to take that risk.  I believe that it is worth sacrificing an entire lifetime to just  have the chance of meeting that “one”.  But that’s me and I’m a horse of a different color. Some people like safe and average, you have to ask if you are one of those? If not, you know your answer.

Also if   Spencer Pratt, Rush Limbaugh or R. Kelly is reading this I would be happy to talk to anyone of you over dinner about removing your name from the “ Replacement Prince” petition  if you permanently leave the public eye.  I’ll even buy dinner.

How Matlock got his groove back-

June 1, 2010

askzachw Sex , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Q: Zach!

Yup I could use a hand here-  My dad is 82,  partially senile and in a retirement home. The nurse recently told me that, he is quite the ladies man and has slept with a growing number of the other residents.  So you tell me, how do I have the birds and bees talk with my own dad about not sleeping around as much???????????? How do I even bring up that he should be more responsible than that??

Steve,  Washington D.C.

Zach’s Mild Disgust and  Words of Wisdom

A:   First, my apologies to the audience as I know the thought of your father’s 82 year old sexual gymnastics made me dry heave. Multiple times.  I am in diametric opposition to any individual who says that old people having sex is a beautiful thing. I’m not an “age-ist” or an “age-a-phobe”, but my reasoning as will be described below is fairly logical.

Are old people wise? Sure. Are they experienced in the ways of the world? Yes. Are they also incredibly wrinkly and flabby with liver spots and a constant barrage of strange smells? Absolutely yes. Four things that make my stomach turn tricks when thought of with sex, BUT…

Why do you think you need to act like the sexual sheriff of Shady Acres?  I mean if the guy is the Cassanova of the rollicking AARP crowd, why would you want to stop him from playing a few games of Horizontal Checkers ?  I’m going to guess that there isn’t a lot of pregnancy risk and more importantly I would like to believe that the folks involved are certainly of age to consent.

He’s old, he’s doing something old men his age probably wish they still could. You should be incredibly proud and really excited that you have awesome “old man” genetics that have allowed him to put the replacement “hip” into doing the hippity dippity. Bottom line is this, your dad is in his twilight years and unlike many he is dynamic , enjoying life and  clearly engaging in some great (albeit disgusting) times.  So if I were you maybe toss him a pack of Trojans, slap him a high five and let him loose on those crazy Fillys at the retirement home.

(Wow, in my past I would never have believed that there was any reason for that last sentence to ever  leave my mouth.

Embellishments are not a crime.

May 28, 2010

askzachw Dating , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Question: I’m almost thirty two and it’s become harder to meet girls. I have a lot of friends who have gone online to dating sites with success. I want to try it, but  seriously man, I won’t have much to say that would make me stand out from the thousands of other guys on there.  Is it really SO wrong to just  make up a few things to at least get my foot in the door?
32, L.A.

Zach is  Back HELPING you people out again and is feeling extra wordy. So here is Zach’s answer, tacky (yet awesome) example and analogy to Martha Stewart, which should worry his readers.

Never Lie, honesty is the best policy, but when in doubt, Embellish.

If you are like most men of any age, your day to day life is probably pretty monotonous and boring and if you are on a dating site it’s probably because you want to add a different type of monotony into your life;  Such as errands, tons and tons of often pointless seeming errands. Many men are amazed at how many errands they will suddenly be running after successfully landing that gal of their dreams, but hey, we all want different things. So assuming that your life is good, but not always exciting I will write what I see as a usual real situation and then how one can go about embellishing with ease, flair, a drop of dash and a bit of insider information. That’s right, today I’m the fucking Martha Stewart of online dating.

How it would read if you were to be 100% honest.

I am a nice enough guy to people’s faces and I come from a family that isn’t dysfunctional,  after several hours they usually bore me, but I often feel obligated to go to dinner with them at least  one night every other weekend.  I work in a middle-management job that wasn’t my passion, but it does pay the bills and offers security!   I usually start my day by waking up and masturbating in the shower and  some days I will go to the gym and use the elliptical machine because I look flimsy using  weights. My buddies and I play golf once a month and get together a lot to drink; first at a bar and then a trendier lounge where we dress in clothes that make us look wealthier and talk/gossip about how cool our scene ( the  exact same one since college) is.  I’m looking for a girl who will just accept me, sleep with me often, and take care of me when I’m sick like my mom used to.”

How it should read: These are the basics, maybe some time I will go into the art of using humor and NOT sounding tacky, but for now let us just practice a purist’s  embellishment

I am an outgoing and social guy who loves to meet new people and I’m here to make some new friends and maybe meet someone!  My family is incredibly important to me and they are a blast to hang out with, which I try to do often.  I am ridiculously ambitious and work in a management role that challenges me every day, and while I am success driven, I am still a pretty laid back guy when it comes to most issues.  Every day is a new adventure and I live my life to the fullest, whether at work, playing the sports that I love or going out to all sorts of new places with my amazing group of friends.

I’m not going to lie, I am picky with who I date. I’m not looking for just any girl, but the right girl. I’ve learned enough in life to realize that physical attraction is important to me, but not nearly as important as having an amazing connection with a girl who is confident, active and passionate with what she does, while still  not taking life too seriously.  In short I’m looking for a partner in crime.

So that’s how it goes, just some innocent word changes, and enthusiasm  will set you apart!  Yes,  the partner in crime thing is over-doing it, but I guarantee you girls will melt over it anyhow. Do you know why? Because they write it all the time, in fact some research shows over twenty five percent of girls utilize this to describe what they are looking for. So when you two are off robbing banks in dead president masks and brutally stabbing Ginger kids, you can thank me for helping you find your “partner in crime”.

(Please note, I am not advocating the stabbing of ginger kids, or anybody else…even if they are creepy)

(Please note, I apologize for calling Ginger Kids creepy, but I have been for years, even  before South Park and I am being honest, to me, they’re creepy. )

Three Elements

July 21, 2009

askzachw Dating Leave a comment

three
 
Question: I’ve been seeing this girl for eight weeks. We get along great, we seem to understand each other and we have a lot of fun every time we are together. All that aside we have no physical connection at all. No chemistry, no connection, nada.  How can I create or improve the physical side so that we can have the great relationship that I know we can.

 

Zach’s wisdom and Bad News:

If I weren’t here to help I would tell you that maybe if you just imagine she is someone else and she does the same thing it could work? Or maybe you both just sleep with other people on the side?  

Being the incredibly helpful and kind sould that I am, I’ll tell ya the truth. If you don’t have a physical connection right off the bat you are never going to. I know plenty of people who will disagree (Mainly those in the same situation, trying to convince themselves otherwise) and they will say that if you develop a great emotional bond the physical will follow. Nope. It never will even if you both pull each other from the brinks of death and hug for sixteen hours a day.

If you had been dating for a few years and the physical side slowly went down the tubes I would tell you to go see someone or to go to one of those creepy classes where they light candles and have you Chant “I am sexy” over and over again. This isn’t the case. The real situation is that every relationship needs three things very early on. A physical connection, an intellectual connection and an emotional one. If you don’t have the physical side it’s a great friendship and nothing more.

Keep in mind the biological reason we’re in relationships in the first place is genetic survival. Your programmed to love, but you’re also programmed to love those you find attractive and have physical chemistry with (romantically at least).  It just won’t work otherwise and if you don’t have the three elements it will end in tears.  So go do what you need to do and in the meantime I will fend off nasty letters from the online porn industry upset that I’m getting rid of a potential lifelong  customer.

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